


Shattered Glass

by meretastical



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Rey sees Ben's past, and it's of course angsty as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:32:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meretastical/pseuds/meretastical
Summary: On Starkiller, Ren had entered her mind like water dampening paper. Rey remembered that feeling. The feeling of intrusion, of someone searching into your soul and seeing your deepest thoughts. When she had pushed back, Rey had seen fraction of his fear.You… You’re afraid. That you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader.She had done it once. She could do it again.In which Rey sees everything.





	Shattered Glass

Rey was completely exhausted by the time she finally dragged herself through the cave entrance. Her simple attempt to scout the area had turned into disaster when rain began to pour two miles away from the small village. It had taken her over an hour to trudge through an   obstacle course of mud and tree roots until she was forced to take shelter in a small cave. The journey had her almost missing Jakku.  _ Who am I kidding, at least on Jakku I didn’t have to deal with him, _ Rey thought glancing down at her forced companion. To her surprise she had walked into to the shelter to find him resting, the connection having just reopened as she entered. It had been just one day since her last meeting with Ren. Rey had grown to dread each of their spontaneous and increasingly often encounters, being so close to him made her sick to her stomach. 

She moved silently through the cave quickly assessing Ren’s condition. He looked drained, even in sleep. The wounds he sustained on Starkiller must still be taking a toll on him. 

_ Good,  _ Rey thought.  _ He deserves it.  _

Rey’s eyes moved to his face, and then rapidly shifted away. Sleep softened even the harshest creatures, but it seemed to turn Ren into an entirely different person. A younger person, with a kind face. Rey immediately rejected that thought with a shake of her head,  _ being alone with him is getting to me.  _ She intended to move swiftly past him, but stopped cold when a thought entered her mind.

_ Did he tell you what happened?   _

He had said that to Rey her second night on this forsaken planet. 

“I know everything I need to know about you.” She knew _ exactly _ what he was: someone who’d given up everything for nothing. 

“You do? Ah _ , you do.”  _ His voice took Rey by surprise. He sounded… she didn’t know. A mix of bitterness and fascination blended into one. 

“You have that look in your eyes from the forest, when you called me a monster.” His eyes darkened like he was remembering that night, filled with hurt and sorrow and rage and something… something  _ else.  _

“You _are_ a monster _._ ” _aren’t you?_ Ren closed the space in between them.

“ _ Yes I am _ . ” His eyes seemed to bore directly into Rey’s soul, bearing down at her with such intensity she almost looked away. He wasn’t supposed to say that, he wasn’t supposed to  _ agree _ with her, and then just as quickly as he had come Ren was gone. 

_ Did he tell you what happened? _ The thought crossed Rey’s mind again. Her eyes wandered to his sleeping figure on the opposite side of the cave. 

On Starkiller, Ren had entered her mind like water dampening paper. Rey remembered that feeling. The feeling of intrusion, of someone searching into your soul and seeing your deepest thoughts. When she had pushed back, Rey had seen a fraction of his fear.  _ You… You’re afraid. That you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader.  _ She had done it once. She could do it again. 

Rey reached out her hand and her mind toward Kylo. Her teeth gritted as she attempted to push her consciousness into his own, but she was met with immediate resistance. She obviously wasn’t as practiced as he was with making mind connections, and Rey doubted she would be able to do it without his help. Unless… Rey moved closer to him, so close her outstretched hand could’ve touched him if not for the galaxies between them, but once again nothing. She shouldn’t be doing this.

_ He did the same to me on Starkiller, _ Rey countered,  _ now we’ll be even.  _ Even with this rationalization she knew what she was about to do was wrong, but with a deep breath Rey pushed harder, her finger tips almost seeming to brush his face.   

“Show me,” she whispered, and the veil between them broke apart like glass.

With a sharp intake of breath, Rey was plunged into a vision. She was no longer in the cave, but a meadow surrounded by waterfalls and filled with yellow flowers. She’d never seen a place so beautiful in her life. Rey immediately turned around, attempting to make sense of where and why she was here, when a dark figure caught her eye. It was so far off in the distance that it could’ve been a tree or an animal, but no- she knew that it was some _ one _ . A shiver rippled down Rey’s spine as the figure seemed to be making eye contact with her,  _ sensing  _ her. Rey's hands immediately went for the lightsaber at her side but that was gone leaving her defenseless. The fear she felt was deafening as the dark figure seemed to move closer, closer, closer… a laugh.

A  _ child’s  _ laugh echoed throughout the meadow. Rey’s head whipped in the direction of the sound, forgetting the ominous force that seemed to be watching her. That’s when she saw them. 

Han. Leia. and  _ him.  _

“Higher Dad! Higher!” The boy shouted as he was lifted in his father’s arms. Ben Solo seemed no older than eight as he was catapulted through the air.

“Okay kid we gotta stop this or my arms are going to fall off,” The younger Han Solo chuckled breathlessly. 

“Oh, we wouldn’t want that now. Who else would Chewie fly the Falcon with?” Leia smiled lying back on the ground. 

“I could do it!” The young boy shouted running towards his mother.

“Let’s not entertain that idea until you’re older kid. I’m too young to die by space crash,” Han snarked ruffling Ben’s hair. 

Watching them together,  _ happy _ , made Rey angrier than she ever thought she could be. She  _ was _ right he’d had everything; a loving family that cared about him, that wanted him. He’d had everything that she’d ever wanted her whole life, and he had destroyed it.  _ Murdered _ it. She could’ve killed him then, if he had been standing in front of her. Her fist clenched listening to the laughter of the now dead Han Solo, and then it stopped. 

“Where’d dad go?” Ben questioned. All the sound in the meadow had died. 

“He left.” Leia said. Her voice was now darker, sadder.  
“Why? I thought… I thought he was staying.” Rey watched as Ben’s face fell.

“He’ll always leave you Ben. He’s afraid of you. He doesn’t understand you.” Leia rose from the ground and took the child’s arm. 

“No you’re wrong, my dad loves me, ” The words sounded uncertain.

“Maybe for now, but it won’t last Ben. They _fear_ you. They know what you’ll become.”  
“I don’t understand. You’re hurting me- MOM.” Ben screamed as Leia’s face began to change, the skin melted off her bones down to the ground.

“You have to run Ben, he knows what you are. He’ll kill you when he catches you, you have to  _ RUN _ .” Leia’s voice was garbled and pained as her form began to buckle, and Ben wrenched himself from her grip.

Rey watched in horror as the young boy ran, the meadow collapsing around him into a gnarled forest. Leia’s tortured voice seemed to follow him, echoing like a war drum. 

_ HE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE BEN. _

The boy ran like his life depended on it, and then Rey saw through Ben Solo’s eyes for a split second as Luke Skywalker materialized from the darkness. He seemed huge, monsterous, nothing like the man she’d come to know. Rey could feel Ben Solo’s fear when her master raised his weapon to cut him down, and with a flash of green Ben woke up screaming.

Rey’s breath caught in her throat. She was no longer in the meadow or the forest but in a bedroom. A child’s room. Ben Solo gasped for air on the bed in front of her. He looked terrified and so small as he folded his knees to his chest, fingers raking through his hair. Almost unconsciously, Rey moved towards him. She didn't know why, maybe to comfort him or scream at him to resist, but at least to do  _ something _ . The something that she'd never been given on Jakku. Then it was cold.

_ What’s happened young Solo? _

The voice crept in through the shadows, so gentle yet chilling that Rey couldn't keep herself from shuddering. The feeling of dread was crushing and familiar. 

_ “ _ Go away,” Ben whispered.

_ No, child. I would never leave you so troubled. What did you see in your dream?  _

“Stupid things,” Ben choked out. “Wrong things.”

_ Wrong things?  _

_ “ _ Things that aren't true.” 

_ Ah, I see. Let me ask you this Ben: what does your uncle say about the Force?  _

Ben looked nervous as he answered the question. “That's it's powerful, a bond between everyone and everything.”

_ Do you think the Force would lie to you?  _

_ “ _ What? No. It can't lie. No.” Ben’s face wrinkled in confusion. 

_ What you saw was what the Force wanted you to see young Solo. It's your truth, your future.  _

_ “ _ My future?” Ben looked utterly terrified.

_ Yes, my boy. The time will come when your uncle will see you for what you truly are, and in that moment he will try to kill you.  _

_ “ _ That's  _ WRONG _ . My mom wouldn't let him and my… my dad-”

_ Your father isn't here Ben. He fears you, they both do. It's why they leave, it’s why they will  _ **_always_ ** _ leave you. Search your feelings you know it to be true. _

Tears welled up in Rey's eyes when she realized Ben Solo was at a loss for words, he couldn't prove the voice wrong. 

_ You don't need them child. They think you're wrong. A mistake. But I see you for what you truly are: potential. You have the power to be great Ben Solo, why waste your love on those who do not want you?  _

“ _ Stop _ .” The boy whimpered. “Go away,” he said it louder now. 

_ As you wish young one, but know this: I am the only one who will always be here for you, and I am the only one who understands.  _

“YOU’RE WRONG. THEY LOV- YOU’RE WRONG. GO AWAY. LEAVE. GO.  _ PLEASE. MOM. _ ” Ben sobbed, then he screamed. All of the windows in the room blew apart and shards of glass fell to the floor. The boy looked at the destruction, and then shoved his face into the blankets of the bed.  _ No not again second thing I've broken this week mom's going to yell at me she’s going to hate me so stupid why am I so stupid why-  _

Ben’s thoughts quieted, as if hiding from the world. Then, so softly, Rey heard Ben whisper.  “ _ I don't- I don't want to be bad.” _

_ Then why are you? _ Rey thought.

Rey moved towards him again and stopped. The presence, the same force she'd felt in the meadow, was still there. She turned and saw him. It. He was shrouded in an impossibly dark corner of the bedroom, hidden from all light and hunched over the young boy. He turned towards her as if in slow motion, and then Snoke’s mangled hand shot out towards Rey as he revealed himself. His face, torn and scarred, was terrifyingly calm. Snoke looked at her with a monstrous curiosity as he quickly advanced on her, and Rey felt frozen. All she could do was cry out and then her surroundings changed. Rey left the boy, left the bedroom, left the monster, with only one thought: _he looked so young._

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Rey caught snippets of Ben Solo’s life. The memories wisped by her and disappeared like she was walking through clouds. He did more things, bad things, so they sent him away. Rey watched Han and Leia leave their son, now twelve, with Luke. She heard them profess how much they loved him and how they promised they would visit. Ben stared back at them knowing they were lying. The voice had told him so, and the voice never lied. He told Ben the truth when no one else did, and even now Rey could see Snoke’s malice crawl over Ben Solo’s skin. 

_ You see now, Ben. How they truly feel. They’re abandoning you.  _

And for the first time, Ben Solo agreed.  

Something stirred in Rey that she’d never felt before.

Ben grew older now, and the years of his childhood quickly flashed before Rey’s eyes. Training, training, always training. He wasn’t happy, but he never really had been in the first place. He had friends, but they were wary of him. Ben knew that look,  _ the fear.   _ He knew it because he felt it so often himself every time he slipped up and did something that made his uncle look at him with wide eyes. 

_ He knows what you are Ben.  _

Rey saw him send messages to his mother that she would occasionally respond to, so busy with the fate of the galaxy she didn’t have time for him.  _ Of course she doesn’t,  _ Ben would chide himself,  _ she’s a hero, she’s important why should she care about you?  _ Rey saw the day that Han Solo had finally returned to see his son.  _ You’re so big now, kid. You’re like a goddamn Wookie. _ She saw their fight, how Ben had pushed him away and told him to do the only thing he was ever good at and  _ go.  _ He hadn’t meant it, but when he turned around Han Solo was already gone. Ben didn’t see him again until what used to be the worst night of his life. 

Rey was dropped into a large room littered with books, scrolls, and drawings, so much like Luke’s home on Ach-too. She saw him then, the soon to be murderer. She could feel it in the air, something had changed. Ben Solo, older now maybe in his twenties, was gripping a holopad so tightly it looked as if it was about to break. He faced down unable to tear his eyes off the device, and then Rey saw it. 

**LEIA ORGANA’S SECRET HERITAGE EXPOSED: THE HEIR TO THE EMPIRE OF VADER.**

A younger Luke Skywalker then walked through the door of what Rey assumed to be his dwelling. Ben’s eyes snapped up as his master entered.

“What  _ is this?”  _ Ben questioned angrily.

Luke blinked out of shock, his mouth agape. “You aren’t supposed to have that.” 

“What. IS. _ IT. _ ” Ben was shouting now through gritted teeth, and threw the horrible thing at the wall where it smashed into a million pieces. 

“We... Ben… I… We were going to tell you. I just, I didn’t know when. How.” Luke’s eyes looked incredibly pained as he forced the words out and inched closer to his nephew, but for every step he took forward Ben Solo took a step back. 

“It’s true then,” Ben’s voice was thick with emotion. Of course it was true, how could it not be? It explained everything; the darkness inside him, it had a source. It was inherited,  _ in his blood.  _ How could he fight something that was apart of him?  _ Why had he ever tried to fight it?  _ The voice was right, it always had been.

“Ben, listen to me: this doesn’t change anything. Whatever your grandfather had done, in the end he chose the light, just as I did. In the end, he was good.” 

_ No,  _ Ben thought,  _ it changes everything. _

“I’m leaving. Tomorrow.” His uncle formed his mouth to say something, but Ben didn’t give him the time. He walked out past his uncle, past the temple, away from everything. He knew what was coming when he entered his hut.

_ Ah, so you finally know the truth. _

Ben had long since stopped trying to keep the voice out. He never went away, and Ben had realized he didn’t want him to. He was the only one left.

“They betrayed me. Lied to me.” Ben answered. 

_ Yes, they did.  _ The voice said nothing for a few moments.

“That’s it? After all this time, that’s all you have to say?” Ben shot back angrily. 

_ There isn’t anything to say. This is the time Ben Solo, the time for action. Take your lightsaber and kill them all. Strike them down and become who you were born to be.  _

Ben was rattled to his very core. 

“No.. I- I can’t.”

_ Why not? You said it yourself: they betrayed you, lied to you. They never trusted you and they never will. What is your plan? To run away from everything like the scared little boy you were when I found you? No, you’ve grown beyond that now. Fulfill your destiny young one, and then we can proceed with your training.  _

_ Training?  _ Ben thought. He remained silent.

_ You remember don’t you, Ben Solo? The visions from your childhood, the dreams. Your uncle is so close, he suspects you now more than ever. He will kill you if you do not kill him first.  _

Ben hesitated. The voice was right, he always was, but his uncle was good. He couldn’t imagine Luke hurting him or anyone. He’d never met someone so far away from the darkside in his life. 

_ But what if you’re wrong,  _ Ben Solo thought to himself. 

“No,” Ben told him. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m done.”

Then the voice was gone. 

Ben packed his belongings, and Rey stood in the corner of the hut. She didn’t want to know what came next, but she saw it anyway. Rey saw Ben Solo go to sleep the night before he was supposed to leave. She saw Luke enter his hut and peer into his mind.  _ Like me _ , she thought to herself. Luke saw darkness there, a horrible darkness that he didn’t know had been spreading. He had tears in his terrified eyes. Luke saw Kylo Ren then. This boy, his  _ nephew, _ was going to take away everything he loved, destroy it all, and in that rage Luke ignited his lightsaber. Rey wanted to scream. The darkness swept over Luke like a shadow, but it was too late. Ben saw him.

And he fought back.

The hut collapsed as Ben raised his outstretched hand, taking his uncle down with it.  _ It’s over now,  _ Ben thought climbing from the wreckage.  _ Too late, it’s too late.  _ He looked down at his uncle under the pieces of the hut and raised his saber, but he couldn’t do it.  _ He couldn’t.  _

That’s when Ben finally saw the temple. It was burning. He saw some of his classmates, _his friends,_ battling in the field. A young boy who he knew as Damjar was dead at his feet. _It was over, it’s over now._ Ben jumped as he saw one the classmates run towards him. 

_“Ben!_ We have to help! Botein and the others attacked us, we have to warn-” The boy blinked. He saw the hut. He saw Luke. Then he raised his lightsaber and charged. Ben did the same. They fought briefly, Ben had always been the best at the school, and with the power of his anger behind them the boy didn’t stand a chance. He knew it too. When Ben disarmed him the boy had pleaded, begged for his life. Ben didn’t even care to listen, and shoved his lightsaber through his chest. It was only when the light died from his eyes that Ben knew what he had done.   
_It’s over now. I’m over. It’s too late._

Ben Solo fought more of his classmates, killed more of his friends. The others who had turned along with him enjoyed it, and so did Ben. He felt powerful, in control, more than ever in his life. Then it was done. Ben and others stood alone on the new battlefield, littered with the bodies of dead friends. He broke then.

_ Oh no… no… what have I done.  _ He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to die, he wanted to end. His life was over, whatever had been Ben Solo was done. He couldn’t go back. 

“That’s right. You finally understand.” The voice came from behind him this time, not  within his head. Ben Solo stayed rigid as the other students dropped to the ground around him. 

“Look at me.”

Ben couldn’t. He couldn’t face him. 

“ _ Look. At. Me.”  _

Ben was then whipped around and came face to face with who Rey knew was Snoke, but he wasn’t Snoke. He was younger, more handsome, unscarred. This  _ couldn’t  _ be Snoke, but then she saw him smile.

“I’m so proud of you child, so proud. I told you that when the time came you would have to face your uncle, and you did beautifully. A true honor to Darth Vader’s legacy. Come to me now, you are ready.” Snoke’s grin would haunt Rey’s dreams for the rest of her life. 

“I can’t.” Ben’s face was stone.

“ _ What?”  _ Snoke spat. Ben had never heard the voice angry before, he was always so calm.

“I. Can’t.” Ben’s face twisted as he choked the words out. 

“You have no other options,  _ Ben.” _ Snoke said the name like it was venom. “You have murdered your classmates, destroyed your uncle’s temple, destroyed your  _ uncle.  _ There’s nothing left for you here, or anywhere.  _ Except with me.” _

Then Rey saw Han and Leia in her mind’s eye, no  _ Ben’s  _ mind's eye. 

Snoke laughed darkly. “You foolish boy. They never wanted you in the first place what makes you think they could forgive you now? Do you think your mother could ever look into your eyes again? _ The eyes of a murderer?” _

Ben shivered as tears streamed down his face.  _ No.  _

The man reached out towards Ben until his hand was on his cheek. “They’ve never wanted you, or accepted you for what you truly are. Where they see weakness, I see your strength Ben Solo. Leave them behind. Leave those who’ve caused you so much pain in the dust.”

The voice leaned in closer to him then, whispering in his ear. “Let the past die, child.  _ Kill it. _ And become who you were  _ always _ meant to be.”

The moment of silence between them was crushing as Snoke backed away.

“Take the shuttle. You know where to go,” and with that Snoke was gone. 

Rey looked on as Ben Solo stood there. He was so confused, so angry, hurt,  _ lost.  _ She wanted more than ever to grab him then, to tell him that Snoke was  _ wrong. Go to them, please go to them,  _ Rey screamed in her mind. She watched as Ben fled, running to the shuttle as fast as he could. He brought the engine to life, but his fingers hovered over the buttons. Then he decided.

Rey was thrown from her vision, she was outside a house now. It was large and surrounded by a green field. The night sky shown down above her as she waited. Then they came out as Rey was terrified they would. 

Ben Solo, still covered in the ashes of the Jedi temple, ran out of the house followed by his father and then his mother.  _ He  _ **_had_ ** _ gone to them,  _ Rey realized.

“Ben NO. BEN, _STOP._ ” Han Solo screamed chasing after the young man, but Ben didn’t stop. He ran as fast as he could. Ben had seen the look in their eyes when he had arrived, that look of fear. The look of knowing. It had made him want to vomit. 

“ _ Why didn’t you tell me?”   _ That was all Ben could say to them, and then everything fell apart.

“ _ Sweetheart we love you, let us help you. We love you Ben, please.”  _

He wanted more than anything to say yes, to crumble in their arms and beg for forgiveness, but it was too late. It was over. They knew what he had done, and Ben knew it could never be the same again. So he ran. 

“BEN. **_BEN!”_ ** Han Solo was close behind him now. His father, finally home for once. Ben wished he hadn’t been. 

Then he heard his mother cry out. “HAN,  **_HAN NO._ ** _ ”  _ Ben felt a pain in his side. He fell onto the ground. When he looked back, he saw his father holding his blaster. He had  _ shot  _ him. 

Rey gasped from her position in the field. Han Solo looked appalled at what he had done.

“Ben-” Han never got to utter the rest of the sentence. Ben roared a guttural scream and pushed as hard as he could. Han Solo was sent flying back, and Ben’s childhood home sung with the sound of broken glass and rubble. 

“ _ HAN. _ ”

Ben watched as his mother ran to his father instead of him.  _ It was always everyone else,  _ Ben realized.  _ The senate, the galaxy, his uncle, his father. Not me. Never me.  _ And in that moment, as Ben saw his parents together for what would become the last time, he chose. 

 

\------------------------

  
Rey watched Leia scream Ben’s name as he ran back to his ship. She watched Ben Solo hold back sobs as he fled to his new master, and then they were there. The room was dark, empty, so cold. _This isn’t the First Order_ , Rey realized. No, it was before. Ben was kneeling on the ground, his face covered in ash and blood and tears. His expression wasn’t sad, not angry or regretful, just blank. _Like he was gone,_ Rey thought. 

The first thing Ben had noticed was the voice, or what he thought was the voice. He was ugly: mangled and burned. The man he had known was a farce Ben realized, this the was the true face of his new master. When he had told Ben to kneel he’d done it instantly,  _ there’s no going back now. There's nothing left. It’s over. I'm over. It’s too late.  _

“You have chosen well my young apprentice.” The man rose from his throne and strode towards Ben until he was barely a foot away. 

“Through my guidance you will become great, a legend. A true successor to your grandfather. We begin your training now. Rise, Kylo Ren.”

There were no more tears on Ben Solo’s face as he stood. They were all gone. 

“For a true darksider the greatest teacher is pain. It will become your ally, fuel your anger and strength. I believe it’s time you became acquainted.” Snoke reached out his hand, and Ben dropped to the floor. Rey felt his pain for a second, heard his horrible raw scream, and then the throne room was swept away. Once again Rey was caught up in a sea of memories and jumbled thoughts. 

Kylo had been alone with his master for years now. His fellow fallen students had arrived before him and they had all been taken under the man’s wing, but Kylo was different. Snoke valued him above the others, isolated him. That made it all the more agonizing when Kylo failed, but he also knew that at the end of it all he was still disposable. He could feel it when Snoke locked his petrifying gaze upon him, the look of regret and miscalculation in his eyes. Kylo knew he wasn’t the servant he should be, the one Snoke wanted. The light pursued him like a pack of wild dogs, waiting to devour him as soon as he stopped sprinting. He’d given everything he had to the darkside but it still  _ wasn’t enough,  _ and his master could see it. Ben’s- ( _ no.. no that’s wrong) _ Kylo’s fate was sealed if ever tried to turn back, so he tried to be a stoic pillar of resolve, of dark. Then he would fail again, just like he always did. 

He hated the First Order. Everything about it made his skin crawl, but anything was better than the years of solitude. 

_ You want this.  _ Kylo told himself. 

_ No you don’t,  _ a child’s voice shot back. 

_ It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s all I have left.  _

Hux was irritating, Kylo could barely stand to be in the same room with him except when they were fighting. Then there came the weapon. He’d watched as Hux had first tested it months ago on an unsuspecting outer rim planet. Kylo was disgusted by this disturbance in the force, all those lives snuffed out.  _ This isn’t order. This is just meaningless slaughter.  _ He thought to himself. 

_ Then why don’t you stop it?  _ The child’s voice again. 

_ I can’t. _

_ Why not?  _

_ He would kill me.  _ Ben remembered all the times he laid on the Supreme Leader’s floor waiting for death, thinking he would gift it to him.  _ And even if I did it’s too late now. _

The child’s voice was older now, wiser, familiar, someone he knew but couldn’t quite place…

_ It’s never too late Ben.  _

Ren did exactly as he was instructed by the Supreme Leader, getting his licks in where he could with the General, but never overstepping his bounds terrified of what would come next if he failed his master with this new autonomy. 

Then there came the girl. 

His mission on Jakku had at first been successful. He had acquired one Resistance agent with little problem, and killed another. All had gone well except for the stormtrooper. He had looked at him from across the sand, a bloody handprint smeared on his helmet. The feeling Kylo felt radiating from FN-2187 was all too familiar, the feeling of wanting out, to  _ leave. _ Kylo should’ve killed him where he stood, but he didn’t.

Both of these things had come back to bite him, and in painfully ironic ways, but it could be resolved. _Just get the droid._ He needed that map for his own sake, and not just for fear of the Supreme Leader. He had grown to resent Skywalker, hate him even, in the years since he had turned. He wanted to strike him down where he stood and make him pay for taking away what Ben Solo could’ve had, but first he _needed that fucking map._ Then he landed on Takodana and found her. She shot at him first, and was so terrified Kylo took pleasure in it. He looked into her mind and realized that the girl had _seen_ the map, and he felt something then. Something… _else_. In a moment of stupidity he took her, and everything went wrong. 

“It’s what happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.” A bland insult from an inconsequential scavenger, but still it wounded him. He didn’t know why he took the mask off, to prove her wrong? No, she was right really, but he did it anyway. 

“You’re so lonely… So afraid to leave.”  _ Just like me. _

When she had pushed back into his mind Ben felt more alive than he had in years. Kylo immediately went to inform the Supreme Leader of this new development before he could rip it from his mind. 

“She’s strong with the force. Untrained, but stronger than she knows.”  _ And she’s just like me.  _ Then the conversation shifted when Hux walked in. How Kylo  _ hated  _ him. If he ever were to betray the First Order, he would kill him first.  _ No don’t think that, not now, not here.  _ Then he heard Hux speak.

“We have their location.  We tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system. ” 

“ _ Good. _ Then we will crush them once and for all, prepare the weapon.”

Ben’s heart leapt to his throat. No he didn’t want this… The unbalancing of the force alone was unbearable to witness, but he knew why it really scared him so much.  _ Mom.  _

“Supreme Leader I can get the map from the girl,” but it was already decided. His mother was as good as dead.  _ Then why don’t you stop it? _

_ You shouldn’t care,  _ Kylo told himself.  _ She betrayed you, lied to you. She hates you now. Stop wanting her, stop needing her you stupid-  _ He stalked back to his chamber. He  _ would  _ get that map. He didn’t want to kill the girl, he wasn’t even sure he could, but he was going to get it no matter what even if he had to rip apart her mind to do it. Then she was gone. The anger that had torn through him had only gotten worse later, when Kylo had felt his presence while searching for the girl. 

_ Han Solo. _

_ No, not now. Not here. Leave please, leave.  _ Ben searched the Millenium Falcon knowing he would find it empty. So many memories... bad ones mostly, but good ones too. Those were worse, Ben decided.  _ A lot worse _ . He should’ve disabled it, blown it to pieces, but he couldn’t do it. He left it there and went back to the base. To his doom. To Han Solo’s death. 

**_“BEN!”_** His heart stopped so suddenly that he almost fell to his knees. It had been so long since he’d heard that name, but it was too late. _Much too late._

His father was there,  _ finally _ he was there for him. All it did was make Kylo want to jump off the side of the bridge. Then his father had come to him, and said the words that made him crumble.

“ _ We miss you.”  _

_ If you missed me so much then why didn’t you save me?  _

“I’m being torn apart.” It was true, every word of it. He hated himself and what he had become. Whatever it took to take that away he would do it, and he knew there was only one option. 

_ There will be the day, my young apprentice, when your father will come to you. He will try to turn you, to break you. Give in and you’ll die. Resist and you’ll finally be whole. _

But that was wrong, it was  _ so  _ wrong. He knew it the second after he shoved his lightsaber through Han Solo’s chest. That second after, when Han looked at him with something Ben never would’ve expected, something he didn’t want:  _ forgiveness. _ Kylo’s lightsaber was burning through him, he was going to die, but Ben could see it in his eyes. In the way that Han touched his face before Ben let his dad go. Watching his father fall, Kylo imagined letting everything go with him: his pain, his past, his _ light _ .  **_If only._ **

_ What have I done.  _

Somewhere far away he heard the familiar roar cut through the silence, and then a pain in his side. The pain felt good,  _ it’s what he deserved.  _ When he looked up, he saw them. The girl,  _ Rey _ , and the traitor. The  _ traitor  _ who’d given up everything for nothing, betrayed the people who’d raised him since birth. The man who’d made the right choice so easily it made Ben want to scream. Kylo would kill him for it.

**_“TRAITOR!”_ ** _ just like me.  _

During the fight he was so weak he could hardly stand. He’d attempted to build up his strength by toying with the FN-2187, but then the stormtrooper landed a hit. Kylo dispatched him as quickly as possible after that. Then the girl. He had thrown her in an attempt of keeping her alive so he could talk to her again. Kylo knew that he should kill her so Snoke wouldn’t be able to corrupt her, but he found himself not wanting to. Even when their lightsabers clashed and she tried her best to kill him, he couldn’t find the will to truly fight back. Then he had offered her a gift, to teach her in the ways of the force, and she’d spat in his face and maimed him. He shouldn’t have expected anything else, but it hurt all the same. 

Then he was lying there on the ground, the snow cradling his body as he attempted to make eye contact with Rey. She looked at him just once as the ground cracked, and then she was gone. He wanted the planet to swallow him whole, or the snow to keep falling and bury him forever. 

_No one’s coming to save you Ben Solo._ _  
_ He’d never felt so alone. 

 

\-------------------------------

 

Rey was so overwhelmed she almost pulled out of his head.  _ This was too much.  _ She never should have done this, it was a mistake, but the force wasn’t done with her yet. One final place, one final vision.  _ It was of home.  _

Rey was in her AT-AT on Jakku standing over herself: someone smaller, weaker, and afraid. She blinked back tears as she saw her tailles on the wall knowing that all they would do is grow. Then she felt it. She’d thought she’d been in her own mind maybe, her own vision, but she was wrong. Rey turned and met his eyes. He knew what she’d seen.  _ Because he’d seen it too,  _ she realized. Then without missing a beat she was hurled out of Kylo’s mind with such force she was sent crashing into the cave wall. 

Her face was wet and sticky, she’d been crying, and her arm was sore from holding it up for so long. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized,  _ she had been touching him. _ Her hand was in his hair before she had been blown back. This startling thought couldn’t be considered for long because Ren was bearing down on her with his lightsaber. She uttered a sound of shock and called her own lightsaber into her hand while she scrambled up. She had to face him now. He looked ragged; his eyes were bloodshot, his face bruised from the forest, and the same sheen of water that she was sure was on her own face was there too. He struck her, both of their eyes widening in surprise as their blades connected.  _ She had brought him into her world _ . Kylo advanced on her, but his blows weren’t threatening. She blocked them easily until they were both out of the cave, standing apart from each other in the rain. 

Kylo said nothing, only stared down at the ground, breathing quickly and heavily. The silence between them hung like glass on the edge of a cliff. She wanted to be the one who shattered it.

“I’m sorry.” She didn’t know what she was apologizing for, or even if she meant it. Maybe it was for the intrusion, or his past, or something else, but she said it all the same. 

His eyes snapped up at her filled with rage. “I don't want your  _ pity.  _ I don’t… I don’t-” His voice broke then all the malice gone. “I don’t want your  _ anything. _ ”

“Ben-”

“Ben is  _ dead.  _ I killed him, just like Han Solo.” His voice was softer now, but somehow that made it worse.

She didn’t know what to say. What could she? How could she tell him there was still time when she had watched him murder his own father? He’d betrayed everyone he’d ever loved, so why did she have the urge to tell him it wasn’t too late? 

“No,” Rey said. “But he will be, if you let him.”

He looked up at her with that same expression, that something else _.  _ She recognized it now:  _ longing _ **_._ ** She felt it too. And then, just as quickly as he had come, 

Ben was gone.  

**Author's Note:**

> I always liked the idea of Rey looking into Ben’s head without permission and some of the fics I’ve read almost went there but never went full force flashback. Then we finally had more information from The Last Jedi and I had to write it. I hope the lines that I took from interviews and TLJ aren’t too forced! I thought Adam’s “Something else” quote was just SO interesting I had to incorporate it.  
> I don’t really write Fan Fiction, but I love Ben and Rey’s characters so much I just HAD to put this one out. Sorry it was so long, I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
